My City of Birth

I have been born and brought up in a Mid Sized town which became the capital of a newly formed state in the country a few years ago. I would not like to specify the names in order to preserve some dignity of this city but I would like to share with the rest of the world, one particular event that took place recently. I know that this place has an infamous reputation and is ridiculed throughout the nation, but I would like to share some facts in order to explain and clear some doubts.

The city had been having its Municipal Elections for the posts of Mahapaur (Mayor) and Upp Mahapaur (Deputy Mayor). Now there is nothing unusual about such an event taking place, but then there were some strange occurrences that made this event a little abnormal. Now my brilliant state strives on Quotas and Reservations, hence only Female ST candidates could contest for the post of Mahapaur. General candidates were free to contest for the post of Upp Mahapaur but could not become the Mayor.

Now, coming to the candidates, a mind boggling number of over One Thousand Three Hundred people contested the elections and there was a hopeful candidate from every nook and corner of the city. Every locality, every gully, boasted a person who was competing for this Cherished (??) post. I honestly doubt if such a large number of people contest for the state or central elections from a state, leave alone a city. But then, some people may argue that there is nothing wrong with numbers, and if one is allowed, why shouldn’t he try to be involved in the development of the city, and that it is a noble deed, and criticism is baseless. But, I am not here to criticise any of the candidates, or the number of candidates. What amused me were the different symbols that each of the candidates chose. Normally an election symbol should represent a candidates ideology or personality, or at least it should represent something. Now, bearing in mind that all symbols used in state or central elections were barred from being used, I would like to compile a list of all the symbols that I remember having seen. Please bear in mind that this is not a comprehensive list, nor is it in any particular order. I will write the name of the symbol and an English translation (Wherever applicable).

The symbols which I remember are :-
1. Gulab ka phool (Rose).
2. Helicopter.
3. Hawai Jahaaz (Aeroplane).
4. Tractor.
5. Nal (Tap/Faucet).
6. Handpump.
7. Tempo (Auto Rickshaw).
8. Rickshaw (Non Motorised, cycle rickshaw).
9. Taraju (Weighing Balance).
10. Cheel (Kite - The Bird).
11. Nevla (Mongoose).
12. Kheera (Cucumber).
13. Gajar (Carrot).
14. Adrak (Ginger).
15. Annannas (Pineapple).
16. Aaloo (Potato).
17. Nariyal (Coconut).
18. Bhindi (Ladyfinger).
19. Kela (Banana).
20. Camera.
21. Calculator.
22. Typewriter.
23. Sweater.
24. Coat.
25. Jacket.
26. Bhaaloo (Bear).
27. Gilehri (Squirrel).
28. Table Lamp.
29. Bhains (Buffalo)
30. Kesh Tel (Hair Oil).
31. Saabun (Soap).
32. Paani Waala Tub (Tub of Water).
33. Kitaab (Book).
34. Kaanch Ka Gilaas (Glass Tumbler).
35. Toothbrush.
36. Toothpaste.
37. Hairbrush.
38. Silai Machine (Sewing Machine).
39. Gudiya (Doll).
40. Bandgobhi (Cabbage).
41. Tokri (Basket).
42. Naav (Boat).
43. Kainchi (Scissors).
44. Ladies Bag.
45. Ballebaaz (Batsman).
46. Matar (Peas).
47. Wash Basin.
48. Deewar Ghari (Wall Clock).
49. Parachute.
50. Baingan (Brinjal).
51. Eent (Brick).
52. Sitafal (Custard Apple).
53. Rassi (Rope).
54. Chimta (Tongs).
55. Tawa (Cooking Pan).
56. Kohra (Pumpkin).
57. Charpai (Cot).
58. Taala Chaabi (Lock and Key).
59. Taulia (Towel).
60. Pilaas (Pliers).
61. Television.
62. Pul (Bridge).
63. Letterbox.
64. Suryamukhi (Sunflower).
65. Ketli (Kettle).
66. Tota (Parrot).
67. Oonth(Camel).
68. Angoothi (Ring).
69. Baagh (Tiger).
70. Balti (Tub).
71. Mor (Peacock).
72. Lattu (Top).
73. Top Hat.
74. Tamatar (Tomato).
75. Chammach (Spoon).

This is not a comprehensive list, but I think everyone will get a general idea. Now, when I first saw the symbols I had a multitude of reactions, shock, surprise, fascination, pity, amusement and there were a million thoughts that came to mind and an equal number of questions as well. There was plenty that I thought I could say about this list but in the end I decided not to. I think that rather than giving my own feedback and critique, it would be better if I just spread awareness.

Of course, things didn’t stop here, there was immense campaigning done by the candidates, which included hundreds of posters and banners put up across the city, Dozens of billboards in strategic locations, Hired vehicles with loudspeakers announcing their election manifesto and promises. Then there were some who distributed some sort of mementos, I presume that Aalloo chhaap did this as it is impossible for someone like Helicopter chhaap to do it. Newspapers had sort of advertisements of different candidates, there was door to door campaigning as candidates distributed flyers. Then there was some high tech campaigning done, such that I got a scrap on Orkut encouraging me to vote for a certain candidate. Then, the voting day had been made a holiday, in order to encourage people to vote, whether they wanted to or not.

To be very honest, I have absolutely no idea what the role and responsibilities of a Mayor and Deputy Mayor are in Indian cities. As I write this, the voting has already taken place but the results are awaited. I would ask whoever reads this to vote for their favourite symbol, and give their feedback.

The reason behind this post is to try and justify why certain people consider me to be insane, I want them to understand some things about the city where I have been born and raised. Maybe after you read this, you will understand why I may be a little crazy.

THIS JUST IN :
The much awaited results of the elections for the Municipality have been released, and the winners are :

(Drumroll)

The new Mahapaur will be Gajar Chhap and assisting her in her duties will be the Upp Mahapaur in the form of Silai Machine. Heartiest congratulations to the winners.

Of course the other candidates were miffed so there was a 'Bandh' in the city as they thought the elections were unfair.

lu·na·cy [loo-nuh-see]

–noun

1. insanity; mental disorder.
2. intermittent insanity, formerly believed to be related to phases of the moon.
3. extreme foolishness or an instance of it.
4. Law . unsoundness of mind sufficient to incapacitate one for civil transactions.

Ordi Be Thy Name

This is actually a remake of the famous Iron Maiden song ‘Hallowed be thy name’ which will now make better sense to students.

Ordi Be Thy Name

I’m waiting in my hostel,
when the alarm begins to chime
Revising all my class notes,
and I don’t have much time.
Cos at 9’o’clock,
I have to reach the examination hall.
The ray of hope for me has lost its glow.

When the invigilator enters the exam room,
I take a look at my copy for the last time,
For an exam that will go very wrong for me.

Can it be there is some sort of error,
Hard to stop the surmounting terror,
Could it really be happening, not some crazy dream.

Somebody please tell me that I am dreaming,
It’s not easy to stop from cheating,
But answers escape me when I try to write.

Words don’t flow but why am I wailing,
After all I am not afraid of failing.
I believe that everything will be all right.

As my friends walk with me to the courtyard,
One of them says “God will be with you”.
If there is a god why will he let me fail?

As I walk my dreams drift before me.
And though the result is near, I am not sorry.
Hit the books cos you have to give the paper again.

Mark my words, believe that ill succeed.
Please don’t worry that I can’t do it.
I have to repeat to repent on my deed.

When you know that your time is close at hand,
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand,
Giving a re-exam is not a strange illusion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ordi be thy name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ordi be thy name.

P.S : Ordi means failing a subject. In some colleges it is called ‘Back’ or ‘Re’.

Classroom Crusades

Unlike common perception, a classroom is pretty much like a Battlefield in many ways. There are many different ranks and strategies that are prevalent amongst this innocent looking group of people. Students are engaged in a perpetual struggle against the oppressive and relentless enemy which is in the form of the administration, faculty and other authorities. Despite being involved in a losing battle, students (who shall be referred to as soldiers), fight with all their might to achieve moral victories against the administration (which shall henceforth be referred to as Oppressive Tyrants). From my personal observation I shall describe the different ranks and strategies that exist in the system.

The Ranks :
There are several ranks and positions that are assigned to different soldiers according to their skill set, abilities and seating positions. Some of the common ranks are :

1. General Infantry - Also referred to as Cannon Fodder or more commonly called "Nodders", these are the lowest ranking soldiers in the classroom. They are the over enthusiastic creatures that have already been brainwashed by the Oppressive Tyrant Propaganda Machine (OTPM) and are overeager and ever compliant to the needs and instructions of the Oppressive Tyrants. They sit in the front seats and eagerly listen to the enemy propaganda and take notes of the same. They are also known to circulate the propaganda amongst other soldiers. The brainwashed soldiers have a tendency to agree to whatever instructions they receive from the enemy and always nod in assent, hence the moniker 'Nodders'. Sitting in the front seats makes them vulnerable to the enemy war machine, making them cannon fodder protecting the other ranks from the onslaught.

2. Scouts/Commandoes - Also referred by some as Guinea Pigs, they form highest class of the soldiers after the Warlords. They are the loyal and fearless soldiers who perform tremendous acts of courage for The Great Cause. These soldiers are the first in the battle, and are used by Warlords to assess the gravity of a situation, after which a decision is made on whether the rest of the elite soldiers should follow or whether the strategy needs to be changed. The fearless act may involve Exfiltration from the enemy ranks (fleeing from the classroom), providing Cover Fire (so that other soldiers may flee), Infiltrating enemy archives (Proxy attendance) etc. They do not have a fixed seating position in class and are scattered all around for greater effectiveness. A group of most loyal Commandos can always be found just in front of the Warlords.

3. Spies - These are a very rare breed of highly groomed soldiers who with great courage and self sacrifice infiltrate enemy installations and provide insider information about enemy strategies and battle plans (Dates of Surprise Tests and Important Questions). They are often considered Nodders by those who do not know their true identity. They are taken into confidence by the Oppressive Tyrants and they leak information despite the constant fear of being caught. Another very important mission objective of spies is the release and safe return of Prisoners of War. Spies blend in with their surrounding soldiers so they do not have a fixed seating position. Their true identity is known only to the Warlords.

4. Warlords - They are the leaders of The Great Cause. These strategists are the most versatile and important soldiers on the battlefield. Most of the times their identities are known to the enemy and hence, they are always under surveillance. The Warlords have to be alert and on their toes at most times and they are the ones who come up with the battle plans. They are responsible for the decisions that will affect the lives of other soldiers. They are revered and honoured amongst their comrades and have a substantial following of loyal soldiers. Warlords may assume the roles of Commandos and in certain extreme situations have been known to act as Spies as well. A couple of the Warlords form the Think Tank, the department that dedicates their total concentration to formulate strategies and remains absolutely oblivious to the enemy propaganda (Sleep in the class). Warlords command soldiers and have to ensure perfect execution of battle plans with minimal casualties. They can be found in the strategy rooms of the battlefield (The last benches of the classroom).

5. Prisoners of War - These are the brave souls who were caught while performing courageous acts to help The Great Cause. They often have to endure Inhuman Torture (Interrogation + Lectures, Subject Questions), Imprisonment (Forced to sit in the front seat), Disarmament (Seizure of Cell Phones) and in certain extreme cases, they are Executed (Not Given Attendance).

6. Martyrs - These are the brave souls who lose their lives on the battlefield while performing selfless acts of bravery or who finally lose their nerve after being exposed to excessive enemy propaganda. We have a minute of silence for all the soldiers who died waiting for the dismissal bell to ring. These immortal spirits are always held in high regard by their comrades.

7. Turncoats/Military Police - These are the worst breed of soldiers who disrupt the battle plans and hinder successful execution and accomplishment of mission objectives. They have pledged allegiance to the Oppressive Tyrants and try to leak strategies to the enemy. Their motive is to discourage and brainwash other soldiers to make them abandon The Great Cause. One of the most dangerous type of Turncoats are the ones which pretend to support the cause and are instrumental in initiation of certain strategies, and their eventual betrayal leads to the brave soldiers falling into a trap. The most loathed scum on the battlefield, turncoats often suffer the wrath of the Warlords.

8. Kamikaze – The bravest of the brave, these soldiers are the most loyal to The Great Cause and openly challenge death on the battlefield. They perform unprecedented acts of valour with imminent consequences of imprisonment and execution, just to provide a spark of inspiration or uplift the morale of their comrades. Masters of improvisation, excelling in both Long range and hand to hand combat, no matter where they are present, they know how to strike fear in the heart of the Oppressive Tyrants.

9. Snipers - An elite class of soldiers of The Great Cause, Snipers are masters of disguise and are amongst the most skilled and patient soldiers. They attack from distance and ensure that the target is eliminated. First Strike is the Last Strike and the Only Strike. Snipers take shelter in a particular location and blend in with the surroundings. Laying prone, unmoving, they seek the perfect moment to strike and ensure the annihilation of their target when the opportunity to strike presents itself. A sniper may be forced to change its location if it feels a threat of being uncovered. These soldiers are normally found in the darkest corners of the battlefield.

There are several battle strategies that are formulated according to the requirements of the situation. It is not possible to enlist all of them, so a few of the most important will be mentioned here. A good strategy needs flexibility and adaptability, so the following strategies may not be enforced exactly as written. Most strategies involve Sowing confusion amongst the Oppressive Tyrants and require immense use of Psychological and Guerilla Warfare.

The common strategies are :
1. Smokescreen - Also known as providing Cover Fire. This strategy is employed during Infiltration and Exfiltration. It enables one soldier to perform his duty while the Oppressive Tyrants are distracted by the sudden outburst in another location. In laymen terms, A group distracts the Oppressive Tyrants while Soldiers escape from captivity or give Proxy Attendance.

2. Search and Destroy - This strategy involves desperately going through intelligence records to look for chinks in the armour of the Enemy, and then to capitalise on the weakness. It may involve execution of an Oppressive Tyrant or negation of their Propaganda Machine. i.e. Manipulation of an easy teacher, Looking for Teaching errors.

3. Bombardment - Mostly preceded by Search and Destroy Strategies, if a weakness is found in the Propaganda, the Warlords initiate an intense counterattack to initiate a reign of chaos on the battlefield. i.e. Bombardment of questions on dubious information or mistakes made by the teachers.

4. Hold the Line - This strategy is used as a means of distracting and infuriating the Oppressive Tyrants in order to force them into making a rash decision. It is also used to buy time on the battlefield. It involves strong and unrelenting resistance to the Propaganda. i.e. Soldiers keep arguing, and do not accept explanations given by Oppressive Tyrants.

5. Artillery Barrage - This involves long range attacks on enemy installations from different corners of the battlefield. It is used as a means of deterring the Oppressive Tyrants from attempting to gain ground and is a show of valour and defiance. It is an aural attack and needs to proceed with utmost caution as perpetrators, if caught are mostly executed. i.e. Whistling, Screaming, Mobile Phone Rings etc.

6. Air Strikes - When the attack takes to the skies and there is a direct confrontation with military installations, fearless Pilots, negating, fear of execution go for a frontal attack from the air to crumple enemy defences. i.e. Throwing Airplanes, Chalks etc.

7. Blockade - Complete and total defiance of authority. Non compliance and Total lack of cooperation to disrupt enemy propaganda. Soldiers refuse to submit and prevent the Oppressive Tyrants from executing their battle plans. i.e. Not allowing teacher to enter the class or teach.

8. Stealth - Oppressive Tyrants fail to find soldiers, who are camouflaged and hence enemy battle plans are deemed completely ineffective. i.e Mass Bunk.

Important Note - The above strategies are executed only by Loyal Soldiers to The Great Cause. While referring to soldiers and their ranks, reference has been made mainly to Male Soldiers. Female Soldiers are mostly Cannon Fodder, Military Police or Turncoats and are almost always a hindrance in formation and smooth execution of Battle Strategies. There are very few Female soldiers Loyal to The Great Cause prevalent on the Battlefield.

In case you’re wondering what rank you hold, do not hesitate to ask me, I will try to help you understand your ranks and positions in the battle.

cru·sade [kroo-seyd]

–noun

1. (often initial capital letter) any of the military expeditions undertaken by the Christians of Europe in the 11th, 12th, and 13th centuries for the recovery of the Holy Land from the Muslims.
2. any war carried on under papal sanction.
3. any vigorous, aggressive movement for the defense or advancement of an idea, cause, etc.

–verb (used without object)

4. to go on or engage in a crusade.

Save and Load

Most computer games that I have come across till date (And I play a lot of games mind you) always have a Save and Load option which enables the player to save his progress and then either :
a) Quit and continue from that point, or
b) Replay the game from that point in case he makes some mistake in the future.

Most games also include a quicksave and quickload feature to enable you to avoid the effort of going to the main menu, clicking on save/load, choosing a filename etc, all you need to do is press the hotkey to save or load the game and continue playing. Also, there is an autosave available which automatically saves your progress after a predetermined time or after achieving certain goals.

No, this post is not about computer games, it’s about how some features of games could be useful in real life. I have always wanted to have the feature of saving and loading in real life in order to be able to perform action (b) as mentioned above. I don't know how many people will agree with me but I have always been quite curious to try performing certain acts but have refrained from doing so because of the imminent consequences. So I always wondered how it would be like if life gave me an option to save and resume from certain points of my choice.

Now I am not going to write about how I would change the world by warning people about disasters and calamities and all such tragedies. Neither will I mention returning to the past to change some incorrect decisions with long-term consequences.

No, I am going to talk about the urge that I sometimes have to say jump from one building to another, or try a freefall or similar acts which I have never performed in order to ensure that I stay alive and well.

In my college, my classroom was on the 2nd floor for more than 2 years. In the final year we had a tree that would grow quite close to the corridor just opposite the entrance to my class. I have always wanted to try and jump from the corridor to see if I could reach the tree. I never thought about what I would actually do if I jumped and managed to grab on to the tree. How I would climb down or what I would gain by committing this unprecedented act of insanity. Reality always ensured that I had my feet firmly on the ground, so I never attempted the leap, but I still think if I could save my life at a point before which I could have jumped, I would have loved to do that and then try to leap towards the tree, with the assurance that I could always go back unharmed to the point of time before something adverse happened.

Another incident that made me crave for having such an option was my exams. I would have loved to be able to save at a point a few hours before the examination, go the exam hall, memorise the questions, load to my saved point and then study only what was required and ace the exam. It would ensure I maximised my output while at the same time minimise the effort required.

Quicksaving would come in really handy when I was having an argument with someone. I could save before every exchange and judging by the response I would assess whether I was winning the argument or if it took an adverse turn. This way I could always ensure I made my point and won every argument. Also, if I started irritating a person, it would make sure I didn’t cross the limits. I know when I get excited, I often lose the ability to think so this action would keep me in check, and help avoid Armageddon.

One priceless ability would be to help satisfy my mean and sadistic side. Every human being in this world has a cruel side and no matter how vehemently they deny it, they know it exists. I for one have often wanted to slap some people, but have refrained from doing so because of social and moral issues. There have definitely been times when I wanted to slap my teacher, or some of my friends, or just random people, and it would have been priceless if I could save my life, perform an act, and then undo it. The recipient would never know and my motive would have been accomplished.

There are times when I have been curious and wanted to try some things but have refrained, either because good sense prevailed or I just felt it wasn’t worth it. But knowing that I could perform an action and judging by the result could choose whether to accept or reject the outcome, would have been absolutely priceless. I am sure I would have been happy and entertained, and would not wonder later about what if I did this instead of that. Also, I would not have to imagine what would happen if I pressed a certain button or did things that I was threatened not to do. It would really have been something else.

Autosave would have obvious uses in life. Just in case I performed an act unintentionally, or intentionally but forgot to save, I could always undo it. It would help me in averting accidents and spontaneous acts of cruelty, stupidity, insensitivity, and you get the point.

The possibilities of life having an option to save and load are infinite and are only restricted by human imagination. I have just stated some incidents that I could think of at this time, I am sure there are billions of other things that could be done. Also, like Games life should also have an option to be Paused. I think that will be a topic for a later post though.

re·sume [ri-zoom]

–verb (used with object)
1. to take up or go on with again after interruption; continue: to resume a journey.
2. to take or occupy again: to resume one's seat.
3. to take or assume use or practice of again.
4. to take back: to resume the title to a property.

–verb (used without object)

5. to go on or continue after interruption: The dancing is about to resume.
6. to begin again.