Tuesday 24 May 2011

Different Forms of Children at Weddings

The last 6 months have been a phase where many of my friends decided to get married and settle down. As a result, I ended up attending a slew of weddings during this time. Personally, I don’t like weddings. They are too long, formal and in a word, boring. If anyone ever asks me how a wedding was, I can only measure it by the company of friends and the quality of food that was served.
 
When I was younger and was dragged to boring ceremonies as I didn’t have a choice in the matter, I noticed certain similarities in the behaviour of a certain community at each wedding. I have finally come down to writing my observations.
 
In every wedding, there are a large number of children, who tend to exhibit certain kinds of behaviour. In most cases they can be classified into a particular category depending on the type of behaviour they exhibit. The classification is given below. It may not be comprehensive, but it covers most types of children that can be found during weddings.
 
1. The Atheletes – The kind of children who can be seen running around. They will run as if their lives depended on it. The activity of frantically running in seemingly random directions is done in groups but can also be carried out by an individual. The objective of this physical activity is unknown and I have never been able to determine the final goal for the same. This is one of the most dangerous categories of children that can be found as they are likely to run into your leg and then fall and start crying. In which case you would be blamed for injuring an innocent child.
 
2. The Soundtracks – One of the largest categories that exist. Sound systems can be broadly classified into three subgroups – Screamers, Wailers and Laughers. The names pretty much explain what these children do. These are the ones that generate 60% of the noise that emanates from the background, barring the live band and/or music that is playing. The threat from this category increases as you get closer to them. 

3. The Flora Flingers – A fairly peculiar category, these children seem to be obsessed with the flowers that are used in decorating the marriage venue. Once they get an opportunity, they brutally rip the flowers off the walls and use them as projectile weapons to hurl at their comrades in this category. Of course, there are many innocents caught in the crossfire as well. Eyewitness accounts report that the flower of choice is the marigold or ‘genda’.
 
4. The Sleepers – A relatively harmless category, these are the children that can be found sleeping during the wedding. The preferred habitat for these children is the laps of their parents. They can also be found hanging in seemingly unnatural positions while sleeping.
 
5. The Leaders – A certain group of children believes that weddings are the times when they need to step up and take charge. They feel that it is their responsibility to organise the rest of the pack and their able leadership and direction will be the only means that will maximise the amount of fun that each child can have at that time. They also believe that they can manage the rebellious tendencies of each child and ensure order. These children are also considered spoilsports and have a high tendency to become tattletales.
 
6. The Vectors – the bearers of diseases, there are always some children that are violently ill, yet their parents insist on dragging them to weddings. The most dangerous of the vectors are the children that keep puking all over the place. Unfortunately, their preferred location to release semi digested food is near the food counters, invariably very close to where you will be standing.
 
7. The Gluttons – Children of a particular category (Read as FAT) believe that weddings is the single largest opportunity for them to tank up on the delicacies that are normally denied to them or are available in limited quantities. They hog like there is no tomorrow and can normally be found near the dessert counter of the weddings. Gluttons who have had their fill can be identified by the syrup dripping from their faces or stuck to their fingers and clothes. 

8. The Oppressed Victims – Some parents believe that weddings are the platform that they needed to showcase the numerous talents that their child had to an ever appreciative audience of close and distant relatives. The child is then willingly or unwillingly made to perform various acts of song and dance to please the audience, which is inevitably accompanied by shrieks of laughter, appreciation, bear hugs and marks on the cheek.

9. The Adhesives – A niche and elite category, a close relative of the bride and/or groom (Normally a niece, nephew or younger cousin) feels the need to stick to the bride and groom like glue and considers it to be his birthright to be a part of every single photograph being taken to commemorate that joyous day. The child might not be that close to the marrying couple, but would somehow develop an inseparable affection on that particular day. 

10. The Ground Huggers – Another peculiar category, every wedding has some children that for some unexplainable reason just lie down on the floor in the middle of high traffic areas (like the stage), doing absolutely nothing. They remain wide awake but choose to remain parallel to the ground. Sometimes they can be found rolling in that area or wildly flaying their arms. 

During the course of a wedding, a child is known to adorn at least 4 of these avatars. An absolute random estimate pegs the average forms taken by a child at each wedding to 4.74. Children normally end up taking each form at least once before they turn 13. The long term impact of a child’s preference to repeatedly prefer a single avatar has never been studied, probably because it would be a waste of time and effort, but I am sure eventually, someone will go around to studying that as well. Till that happens, children will probably continue to do many such random acts during weddings and as long as I have to keep attending weddings, I will try to keep adding to this list.
trans·form [v. trans-fawrm; n. trans-fawrm]
–verb (used with object)
1. To change in form, appearance, or structure; metamorphose.
2. To change in condition, nature, or character; convert.
3. To change into another substance; transmute.
4. Mathematics. To change the form of (a figure, expression, etc.) without in general changing the value.
5. Physics. To change into another form of energy.