Wednesday 27 February 2008

The AnT and The Car

I have always been fascinated by cars, in fact I think obsessed would be a better word. Cars have been my first love and I think I was three years old when I realised how wonderful this machine actually is. I remember when I was a kid, how I always bought small toy cars at every possible occasion. There was a time, when I had every Hot Wheels Car available in the shops I knew, so I had started buying the same models in different colours. If I was ever going to buy something, chances were that I would buy a small car. Be it my birthday, or if I won an award, or performed well in an exam, no matter what the reason, my preferred purchase would be a model of a car. I definitely own more than a hundred car models, but I stopped keeping count years ago so I can’t quote the exact number. My collection is still growing though, as I still buy models when I get the chance.

I spent countless hours playing with my cars when I was growing up. Even though I didn't know the names of most cars at that time, I had my own method of identifying the ones I had. The nomenclature was based on the design of the car, and what was written on it. I remember owning a small bag in which I would carry all my cars with me wherever I could. I have been told that my parents would take off my bag after I fell asleep at night. I have always been very possessive about my belongings, and I would always be very hurt if I ever lost any of my cars. My passion for cars grew with age and at the age of ten, I started my first Automobile magazine submission and now, there is at least one car magazine that is purchased every month. I got my first computer in the same year and it was no surprise that I soon took a liking to the racing games that were available. Of course, the games at that time were quite pathetic by today’s standards, but they were a lot of fun nevertheless. As I grew, so did technology and with the advent of the internet, I had a new and limitless source to find out about cars. I can boast of having a vast collection of wallpapers of cars on my hard disc. Even now, I am obsessed with cars and still purchase models and magazines whenever I can. Also, I keep myself updated with Top Gear, probably the best car show that exists.

With all the above details, it shouldn’t come as a surprise if I say that I always wanted to own and drive a car. I remember my first driving lesson. I was fourteen at that time, and it was after my class nine exams when I got behind the wheel for the first time. The first car I ever drove was the Maruti 800 that we had with us at the time. I used to play a lot of Need for Speed at the time (NFSIISE) and I always chose the McLaren F1. It had a top speed of 230+ miles per hour with a 0-60 time of 3.1 seconds, and me and my brother would discuss how the acceleration and top speed of a Maruti was terrible. So, after receiving my initial instructions on how to put the car in gear, releasing the clutch slowly and then pressing the accelerator gently, what I did was, put the car in 1st and I floored the accelerator. That was the first time I ever pressed the accelerator to the fullest, and it was also the last time I did that for a few years. The car shot forward and I felt a surge of speed which I thought I would never be able to control. I know I wasn’t going fast, but it felt like all hell had broken loose and I was the fastest person alive. After that I brought the car to an immediate halt and decided to take things slow and steady. Learning how to drive was a really exciting experience, and it made me appreciate the automobile even more. I couldn’t wait for each subsequent lesson and was desperately looking forward to my first drive alone and unsupervised.

I was very excited when I could finally drive in actual traffic if there was an Adult on my side and was elated the few times I was able to drive to or from the school. When I finally reached the final year in school, I was allowed to take the car out on my own, and I will never forget the times when I drove to school and kept the car with me till I returned, or when I went to hang out with my friends. Eventually I decided that I was happiest when I was driving and that learning how to drive was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

My brother had decided that he would not allow me to learn how to drive a two wheeler, and my family supported his decision. Till date I am not confident about driving a bike, but it is not something I regret. I was made to drive a car, and for me nothing can be better. When I joined college, I was devastated to know that I wouldn’t be able to drive for months on end. The college had also made a rule to ban vehicles on campus, but I was very lucky to get my parents consent and the permission of the college to own a car, thus on 6th of November 2005, when I was in the second year of Engineering, my parents bought me my first car. It was probably the best day of my life till now. I couldn’t stop smiling and felt like I was on top of the world. I went to Mangalore where I collected my car and drove back to Manipal. Driving those 60 odd kilometers has been my best driving experience till date.

I have lots of wonderful memories with my car in Manipal, but it is not possible to share them here. I would be shattered whenever I made a small dent or scratch on my car. I knew almost everything about my car. As soon as I sat on the drivers seat, the car felt like an extension of my body. I was able to drive with utmost precision and knew the exact dimensions of my car. I remember intentionally driving over a rolling can on the road with the can coming under the left front wheel. I could feel every bump, every pebble on the road, and I would always seek perfection while driving. So if there was ever a gearshift, which wasn’t perfect, I would be furious with myself. Most of the times the small jerks couldn’t be felt by anyone else in the car, but then I never really cared about that, I wanted my driving to be perfect.

In the last few months in college, when I realised that I would have to sell my car, I was quite upset that I would have to allow someone else to drive my car, but in the end, I didn’t have to sell my car to anyone. I did something far, far worse, I managed to completely destroy my car. It happened on a Sunday night, when I was driving to a party with some of my friends, when I lost control of my car for the first time in my life as I took a sharp turn, and the car started to skid. I turned the car in the other direction, and it skidded in the other direction. I managed to turn the car once again, but it did a 180 and skidded off the road sideways. There it hit a mound of mud and overturned. Miraculously no one in the car was hurt, except for a few small cuts and bruises. My car though, was totaled. Because I religiously wear seatbelts, I was suspended upside down in mid air when the car rolled to a stop after hitting a tree with both hands on the steering wheel, left foot on the clutch and right foot on the accelerator. After crawling out of the car from one of the shattered windows, we rolled the car back on its wheels and made a futile attempt to drive it away. After failing miserably, I had to park the car on the side of the road, and leave it there overnight till I could get someone from a workshop to haul it away. The horror had already begun and when I returned to the crash site the next day, I discovered that the wheels had been stolen and my car was standing on some boulders. This was adding insult to injury and I was really furious that this had happened. After that I had to endure the torture of getting my insurance, but I really don’t want to relive that here.

This accident left me depressed but undeterred. I still love driving and I will probably do for the rest of my life. I didn’t lose confidence in my driving abilities either, and drove our brand new car during Bhaia's wedding. Thankfully my parents didn’t lose confidence in my driving abilities either, otherwise it would be a tough situation.

I really can’t wait to get behind the wheel of a car again. I guess I will have to wait till I return home before I can actually do that. I have always set my goals in life according to the car I wish to be able to buy. My ultimate dream is to buy a Ferrari and I really wish I can turn it into a reality someday. I have often told many people that my car will be more important to me than my wife or girlfriend. Most people assume I am joking, but in reality, I really don’t think there will be much difference between the two, at least in my eyes. I hope this doesn’t get me into too much trouble in life.

ob·ses·sion [uhb-sesh-uhn]

–noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
2. the idea, image, desire, feeling, etc., itself.
3. the state of being obsessed.
4. the act of obsessing.

ObservAnT = AmusemAnT

I have heard and read several times during the course of my life that 'It is very easy to point out others mistakes, but it is very hard to accept your own faults'. I have always prided myself for being a very observant person, which in itself is both a gift and a curse.

I find it fairly easy to locate anomalies and defects in many things in life, but I am not obsessed with finding faults with people or objects. I never actually make an effort to look for faults, unless I am required to do so. I am not the kind of person who points out the faults, I normally just notice them and depending on the degree of error, think of an appropriate course of action.

Normally I just notice something that shouldn’t be there, and use it as an object of amusement for myself, and being born with a very low threshold for being amused, I find it is often too simple to be amused by my observations. This is mainly true while I am watching television or a movie. I like to notice glitches and goofs and then point it to my friends. For example, one of my favourite ways to pass time in dull, boring movies, which I am sometimes forced to watch against my will, is to observe the extras that are in the background or sidelines, rather than the main actor, as their antics are often hilarious. Especially during the highly abundant song and dance sequences, that are so popular in Hindi movies. The expressions of the various extras, makes these parts almost bearable when I am forced to endure them.

When it comes to commercials, it is very amusing to look at the expressions of the actors when they aren’t particularly the centre of attention. You can often tell that the person is actually anxious for his cue, or sometimes he is ecstatic that he is on television. Sometimes in advertisements with major celebrities, you can actually notice the look of admiration and awe in the eyes of the not so famous personality. I may be too harsh and cruel to the producers and actors if I do this, but then I feel that they are probably blissfully ignorant. Or they couldn’t care less for that matter, after all I am not really a known critic, so even if they ever come to find out my opinion they would hardly be bothered.

I do not strive to humiliate others or look for faults in them, I am not a true hardcore Sadist, but having said that I cant deny having exacted some sadistic pleasure in my observations till date. Everyone slips up and makes mistakes from time to time, and I feel that at times it is my responsibility to embarrass the other person. But having said that, I ensure that I am able to take criticism easily, which is not very difficult, being really thick skinned and possessing the priceless (maybe) ability to endure and welcome embarrassment with a smile. I also make sure that if I am pointing out a persons mistakes, I know the person really well and he won’t be enraged or humiliated in public.

Sometimes, it is a lot more fun if you just notice something unusual in a person and you don’t tell the other person. These situations are often difficult as I cant prevent an amused expression from appearing on my face and the other person immediately becomes conscious about having done something embarrassing, without actually realising what it is. Fortunately, most of the times when I am in this situation, the other person takes it in good humor and ends up amused himself. I am yet to actually have hurt a person by my antics, though I feel that sometimes I may have pushed the limits.

Of course, this ability does have some significant drawbacks. Being a chauvinist (My sister has made sure I realise and accept that I am one.) I have never really been able to befriend girls easily. Whenever I am interacting with a girl, my sixth sense is always on overdrive and every single time, there is at least one act that a girl performs unknowingly which gets me really amused or sometimes irritated. After this its a test of patience for me in order to control myself from reacting to that particular act. My good friends, who have known me for a while, find out that I have observed something, and after the conversation hound me to tell them what it was. If its an amusing act, I laugh it off after a while, but if I get irritated, then there is a very low probability that I will willingly interact with that girl in the future.

Another major drawback of being acutely aware of my surroundings is that I often notice things which I would be happier not knowing. It may be a gesture that a person performs when he thinks no one is looking or something that could happen involuntarily. I am unable to remain blissfully ignorant in these situations.

Of course one really good thing that has come from this ability is the constant need to be a perfectionist, having very high standards for my own work. So, I know if I ever make something, I need it to be the kind which is hard to find fault. If I write, or make presentations, I need to ensure that spellings, grammar, layout etc is nothing short of perfect. Font styles, sizes and formatting is consistent throughout and there is a smooth, uninterrupted flow. I don’t really mind spending extra time ensuring that what I do, comes out according to my satisfaction.

After having weighed all sides of this ability, I have come to a conclusion that until I actually enrage someone close to me, or I am given a death threat, I will persist in my observations and ensure I remain amused and happy. Even if I have to stop exacting amusement from people, it wont discourage me from being a perfectionist.

ob·ser·va·tion[ob-zur-vey-shuhn]

–noun
1. an act or instance of noticing or perceiving.
2. an act or instance of regarding attentively or watching.
3. the faculty or habit of observing or noticing.
4. notice: to escape a person's observation.
5. an act or instance of viewing or noting a fact or occurrence for some scientific or other special purpose.
6. the information or record secured by such an act.
7. something that is learned in the course of observing things.
8. a remark, comment, or statement based on what one has noticed or observed.
9. the condition of being observed.
10. Navigation.
a. the measurement of the altitude or azimuth of a heavenly body for navigational purposes.
b. the information obtained by such a measurement.
11. Obsolete . observance, as of the law.

Saturday 23 February 2008

"Barber"-ians

Barbers, you always think they have some sort of Vendetta against you. You are never sure why but somehow it always seems that they are out to get you. Being in a position of power, once you are seated in the dreaded seat, they are free to vent out their frustration and exact any sort of sadistic pleasure they wish when they start their ritualistic dance.

You know you are helpless once the barber starts, as what is done, cannot be undone, at least for a while, and whatever he leaves you with has to be accepted. I am yet to come across a person who has been satisfied with his haircut. (I am not being chauvinistic by just referring to males, I have never asked a girl if she liked her haircut, but I think it should be the same story in the female community as well.)

The barber never wants to listen to what you want done, he has some preconceived notion in his head, and your instructions will be useless as he will eventually end up doing whatever he wants to your hair. Its like a quote in 'Asterix in Corsica' (Though it was aimed at a different person, I would like to use it here.) where it is said "You could stone his donkey to death with ripe figs before you could get through to him".

Barbers are probably the only people in this world who get paid to scalp others. No matter what hope and expectations you have when you enter the barber shop, you are bound to be disappointed. There are very rare incidents when a person is happy with his haircut the next day, but the odds of this happening are very low.

The barbers are skilled illusionists who somehow manage to ensure your hair looks decent while you are still in the premises, but once you are out, all hell breaks loose. It is worse for people who use spectacles, as you have to take them off while getting a haircut, and so you are quite helpless when the barber crops away, and whenever he asks you if what he has done is right, you have to assume that he knows what he is doing and nod in assent, without actually being able to understand what has been done. Calvin was right when he commented on barbers in his quote "You never criticise a guy with a razor" because you will hardly ever give a barber a negative feedback, in fear that if you return to him at any point of time in the future, he might just want to take revenge.

The reason behind this post is that I recently had a pretty horrible haircut, which made me feel that it might not be a coincidence and maybe the barber community is actually out to get us. I have to go now as I need to get another haircut to fix what has been down to my crowning glory. (Or for that matter make it worse than what it is right now). I really feel at such times that Life should have a Save and Load option to undo things that go bad, but that is a really long topic in itself, and I will probably discuss it in the future.
bar·bar·i·an [bahr-bair-ee-uhn]

 –noun
1. a person in a savage, primitive state; uncivilized person.
2. a person without culture, refinement, or education; philistine.
3. (loosely) a foreigner.
4. (in ancient and medieval periods)
a. a non-Greek.
b. a person living outside, esp. north of, the Roman Empire.
c. a person not living in a Christian country or within a Christian civilization.
5. (among Italians during the Renaissance) a person of non-Italian origin.

–adjective
6. uncivilized; crude; savage.
7. foreign; alien.